"Revelations of a Single Woman"

As I look in the mirror over the last few months, staring back at me is a Picassoesque portrait; multiple, fragmented facets of the same face. I am reminded of Picasso's painting, Girl Before a Mirror. In my case, I see who I've become in the last few years: urban youth worker, alien in a foreign country, social worker, and lover of the outdoors. I ask of myself, "Will the real self please stand up?"

I've been reading this book by Connally Gilliam called "Revelations of A Single Woman". No, it's not your typical chick-lit. And it's not one of your "feel good" books about singleness. Connally's book delves into the struggles of making sense of our fragmented selves and the feeling single people have, that we're "the leftovers" in a couples world. Normally I don't read these type of books, however two good friends highly recommended this book, and since one of them is friends with the author, it obviosly piqued my curiosity. I was pleasantlly surprised. Connally tackles the issue of unintentional singleness with something so fresh and true. Although I just started reading this book, I have found Connally to be insightful, raw, full of humor, and refreshing.

What has struck me with this book was how she described some of the experiences that I have felt but have never been able to put down with words. I can identify with her experiences because they have been my own experiences. The realization that I am not alone with my feelings of fragmentation and disconnecteness made me want to break down and cry. I am a fragmented girl living in a fragmented world and the scary thing is, I am taking on a scary resemblance to the girl before th emirror in Picasso's painting. I can almost see it. Maybe this splintering would no be a problem if I had people and friends around me who were constant, but as life would have it, things change. People move, friends marry, and others busily spin into other circles. Of course I try to keep in touch with some of the scattered ones, but still I need to make new connections in order to fill the gaps. This gets exhausting and I only have so much energy to pour out. And of course, the cycle inevitably begins. Connally poses the questions perfectly: How is God's desire for his children's wholeness connect with the world of scattered friends and fragmented lives in which so many of us live? Well, I think that God wants to lead me through this chaos and for me to trust that He wants to lead me and is capable of leading me.

Scary, this trust thing.

What also struck me, and although I know this deep down in my heart, is it's the Father who knows every part of my fragmented self. It's HIM who knows that committed communities fracture. It's HIM who knows when relationships change. It's HIM who knows that there are others like me, wandering around, sometimes lost, sometimes found, sometimes in circles. I need to continue to remind myself of this truth and believe that God is REAL, and like the Father in the story of the Prodigal Son, is compassionately running out to meet me to where I am. More to come.......