It has been an incredibly full week, hence the silence in this blog. Work has pretty much consumed my life this week and I really don't see it ending for the next two weeks. With everything else that's going on, I've literally had to push myself this week with work stuff. And it's been painful. Really.
Anyways, I'll be gone all weekend and won't be back until Monday afternoon. Taking a road trip up to Niagara-on-the-Lake again, but this time with my friend Larissa. "Oh Canada, my home and native land," here I come. Unfortunately, because of all the reports that need to be completed before the end of next week, I am forced to bring my laptop on this trip in order to get some work done. While Larissa is off attending her cousin's wedding tomorrow, I will be cooped up in her great aunt and uncle's place, working on reports and family profiles. Oh. Joy. Maybe I can find a Chapters or Starbucks to work from. Anything to make it less painful. The bright side is, tomorrow is Canada Day and I will, for the first time in 6 years, be able to celebrate Canada Day with other fellow Canadians tomorrow evening. Yay me. The other bright side is that we'll be visiting Toronto sometime this weekend. I've never been to Toronto. I told Larissa that I've always wanted to take the elevator up the CN Tower and moon all of Toronto from the top. Her response?
"You're so dumb, Joy." (Typical Larissa response)
Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
Friday, June 30, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
Me Day
Today is my day.
And because it is my day, I'm playing hooky from work today.
I'm going to celebrate me!
I've been spending my quiet times the last few mornings meditating on Psalm 73 and this morning, this particular passage has especially spoken to my heart:
And because it is my day, I'm playing hooky from work today.
I'm going to celebrate me!
I've been spending my quiet times the last few mornings meditating on Psalm 73 and this morning, this particular passage has especially spoken to my heart:
"Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart,
He is mine forever." - Psalm 73:25, 26
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart,
He is mine forever." - Psalm 73:25, 26
Friday, June 23, 2006
The City 2004
It was her first time back in the city since it happened. Had four months passed already? Going under the guise of meetings with NYU and Fordham admission deans, she hopped on the train located two blocks from her house for the two hour ride up to the city.
She could do this, she was brave.
Standing amid the plethora of bodies, she became lost in the hustle and bustle of Penn Station. It was that moment when the images started to conjure up, of memories of a not so distant past. She saw him standing by that post near the Krispy Kreme, arms wide open with that smile he had just for her. She ran towards him, ready to be enfolded in his arms. What she discovered instead was her arms around the post.
She could do this, she was brave.
Walking along 34th St., she hopped on the subway taking the R train down to 8th Street. Climbing up the steps from the subway, she knew that she would be walking by their little cafe. Her justification was that it was the only route that would take her to NYU. She came upon it way too soon and glancing in the front window she saw their little table in the corner. There he was in his brown, tweed coat, smiling, beckoning. Slowly opening the door of the cafe, his image immediately vanishes.
She could do this, she was brave.
She had a few hours before her next appointment at Fordham and so she took the 6 train to visit her safe place - The Met. There were no memories attached to this place and with relief she stepped inside the museum where she immersed herself in works of art by Botticelli, Rembrandt, Renoir, and Gaugin. She sensed him in the Arms and Armour court, peering at her through one of the glass encasements. She shook off the feeling.
She could do this, she was brave.
Since it was a beautiful day she decided walk through Central Park to get to the west side. After all, she still had an hour and a half left before the meeting at Fordham. She was immediately flooded with memories the minute she stepped foot into the park. Walking through their favorite place, Bethesda Terrace, she stopped and sat on the edge of the fountain, gazing at the Bethesda Angel in all her splendor, who witnessed all their stolen kisses under the fountain.
She could do this, she was brave.
The meeting at Fordham deemed successful, helping in her decision to move to New York. Feeling satisfied she walked up Amsterdam Avenue when the realization hit her that he was only a few subway stops away. She could call and say hi, maybe get together at that little cafe near Columbia. She wanted him to see the transformation she had gone through in the last few months, dreaming that he would beg her to take him back. Flipping open her cell phone, she realized that she had erased all of his numbers.
She could do this, she was brave.
Back at Penn Station, she climbed back onto the train for an uneventful ride home. Thoughts swirling through her head of images of the city, conjuring up recollections of conversations, sweet words whispered, and Times Square kisses. But then, she became inundated with memories of destructive behaviors, the pain, and the tears. Back home, in the silence of her bedroom, she crumpled onto the hardwood floor and wept.
She couldn't do it. She wasn't brave.
She could do this, she was brave.
Standing amid the plethora of bodies, she became lost in the hustle and bustle of Penn Station. It was that moment when the images started to conjure up, of memories of a not so distant past. She saw him standing by that post near the Krispy Kreme, arms wide open with that smile he had just for her. She ran towards him, ready to be enfolded in his arms. What she discovered instead was her arms around the post.
She could do this, she was brave.
Walking along 34th St., she hopped on the subway taking the R train down to 8th Street. Climbing up the steps from the subway, she knew that she would be walking by their little cafe. Her justification was that it was the only route that would take her to NYU. She came upon it way too soon and glancing in the front window she saw their little table in the corner. There he was in his brown, tweed coat, smiling, beckoning. Slowly opening the door of the cafe, his image immediately vanishes.
She could do this, she was brave.
She had a few hours before her next appointment at Fordham and so she took the 6 train to visit her safe place - The Met. There were no memories attached to this place and with relief she stepped inside the museum where she immersed herself in works of art by Botticelli, Rembrandt, Renoir, and Gaugin. She sensed him in the Arms and Armour court, peering at her through one of the glass encasements. She shook off the feeling.
She could do this, she was brave.
Since it was a beautiful day she decided walk through Central Park to get to the west side. After all, she still had an hour and a half left before the meeting at Fordham. She was immediately flooded with memories the minute she stepped foot into the park. Walking through their favorite place, Bethesda Terrace, she stopped and sat on the edge of the fountain, gazing at the Bethesda Angel in all her splendor, who witnessed all their stolen kisses under the fountain.
She could do this, she was brave.
The meeting at Fordham deemed successful, helping in her decision to move to New York. Feeling satisfied she walked up Amsterdam Avenue when the realization hit her that he was only a few subway stops away. She could call and say hi, maybe get together at that little cafe near Columbia. She wanted him to see the transformation she had gone through in the last few months, dreaming that he would beg her to take him back. Flipping open her cell phone, she realized that she had erased all of his numbers.
She could do this, she was brave.
Back at Penn Station, she climbed back onto the train for an uneventful ride home. Thoughts swirling through her head of images of the city, conjuring up recollections of conversations, sweet words whispered, and Times Square kisses. But then, she became inundated with memories of destructive behaviors, the pain, and the tears. Back home, in the silence of her bedroom, she crumpled onto the hardwood floor and wept.
She couldn't do it. She wasn't brave.
Wish
Little boy with no worries on your back.
Pulling wagons, climbing trees,
Scraping knees and building forts,
Make a wish and blow the dandelion.
Enter into a phase of confusion
Altering voices, changing growing.
Suspended amid boy and man.
Make a wish and blow the dandelion.
Breaking free from watchful eyes,
Testing the waters, one foot in,
Then full immersion to freedom.
Make a wish and blow the dandelion.
One grown man with the world on your back.
Determined but now sadly defeated.
Broken hearted, cynical, and jaded.
No more wishes, the dandelions have died.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
W&G
A few weeks ago, Irishgirl bought season four of Will & Grace.
So ask me what I've been doing the last two evenings.
With all that's been going on lately, I've needed alot of good laughs.
That's a good thing, right?
I've whored myself to the likes of Will & Grace.
Should I be feeling dirty or something?
So ask me what I've been doing the last two evenings.
With all that's been going on lately, I've needed alot of good laughs.
That's a good thing, right?
I've whored myself to the likes of Will & Grace.
Should I be feeling dirty or something?
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Dad, Pops, Daddy, Father
A few months ago I wrote a post about my dad, sharing a conversation that I had with him and giving somewhat of a description of the type of man he is. Another father's day celebration and I find myself yet again living thousands of miles away from dad. This is starting to get old. I could, A) move back to Vancouver; or B) fly out to Vancouver every father's day. The former isn't really up for discussion at this time, however the latter is a possiblity for future father's days.
"Sleep my darling baby, mommy's not too far away,
Sleep my darling baby, daddy's is here to stay....."
One of the lullaby's I can remember dad singing to me as a child - comforting, serene, giving me that sense of security. I knew I was loved.
When I was about 6 or 7 years old, mom explained to me that dad was adopted and that my paternal grandparents weren't his "real" parents. This new piece of information from my dad's past was so devastating that I started to cry insisting that we call dad at work that minute so I would know that he was alright. The concept of adoption was completely foreign to me and at the time, I felt so sick to my stomach that dad may have been abandoned or even unloved. I am often amazed by my sensitivity at such a young age towards the circumstances from which dad came from and grew up in. Now, ask me what I do for a living. No surprise there. ;)
Dad displayed a strong work ethic at work and at home. He expected the same from my brother and I, while we were in school, and at the present time, in the work place. He never swayed and was always consistent.
From the time I can remember, after dad arrived home from work he would, on a daily basis, head straight to the kitchen where mom was cooking dinner and greet her with a kiss on the cheek, put his arms around her, giving me this mischevious wink, stating that he loves "my mommy". Mom of course would feign annoyance, nudge him away, telling him to go wash up. Such a simple gesture that dad displayed, but one that will be imprinted in my mind for the rest of my life. I'm sure that dad isn't the most perfect husband, but he sure does love my mom and makes sure that she knows she is loved.
"Joy, I cannot believe that you're sixteen and l'm teaching you how to drive. You're growing up too fast....." This said while stopped at a stop light on the corner of 148th St. and 96th Ave., sitting in a big, cherry red, four door Volvo, with a big sign on the rear window that said, "STUDENT DRIVER". I think it was one of those moments where dad came to this realization that I wasn't a kid anymore, but this soon-to-be adult who has started to do adult things...like learning how to drive. I'm surprised that I didn't give him a heart attack during those initial days of teaching me how to drive. In fact, I don't even remember him stressing out or yelling at me for making a stupid driving mistake once. Only by the grace of God.
Around my junior year of college I was in a fairly serious dating relationship with this guy. One afternoon, as dad and I were driving along King George Highway, out of the blue, dad made this statement which nearly knocked me out of my seat. "So you know, I really like N. In fact, I really wouldn't mind it at all if you guys got married." My reaction? What the hell??? First of all, this coming from a man who was adamant about his daughter finishing her college education before she could even think about living her "life". And second of all, "What the hell???"
When I lived in South Dakota, I flew home for Christmas with a surpise gift for my parents. She was a beautiful yellow Labrador Retriever named Dakota. Dad fell in love with her. And of course, she was his baby. Two years ago, Dakota became quite ill and dad had to make the difficult decision to put her down. It was probably one of dad's most traumatizing experiences. He was right there, next to Dakota when the vet put our family dog down. Dad cried like a baby. After that experience, dad shared that he doesn't think he'll ever get another dog. Losing Dakota was too painful. I really do hope that he decides to get another dog one of these days.
About two months ago I had a discussion with dad about applying for this particular visa which would allow for immigrant status here in the USA, thus allowing me to stay out here on a more permanent basis. His response when I asked him what I should do? "What's your heart telling you?" He knows what my heart is telling me and I know that this knowledge is also a difficult one for him. I think there are times when he still sees me as a little girl, wanting to keep me closer to home where he can protect me.
My dad isn't perfect and of course there are many things about him that frustrate me. But the thing is, inspite of the frustration and misunderstandings, I still love him and feel secure in his love for me. And the wonderful thing is, we have no qualms in verbally stating "I love you's" to each other.
I stated this before and I'll state it again, I love my dad, and hope that one day I will meet and eventually marry someone who comes even close to having the godly character, integrity, and strength that my father has.
One of the lullaby's I can remember dad singing to me as a child - comforting, serene, giving me that sense of security. I knew I was loved.
When I was about 6 or 7 years old, mom explained to me that dad was adopted and that my paternal grandparents weren't his "real" parents. This new piece of information from my dad's past was so devastating that I started to cry insisting that we call dad at work that minute so I would know that he was alright. The concept of adoption was completely foreign to me and at the time, I felt so sick to my stomach that dad may have been abandoned or even unloved. I am often amazed by my sensitivity at such a young age towards the circumstances from which dad came from and grew up in. Now, ask me what I do for a living. No surprise there. ;)
Dad displayed a strong work ethic at work and at home. He expected the same from my brother and I, while we were in school, and at the present time, in the work place. He never swayed and was always consistent.
From the time I can remember, after dad arrived home from work he would, on a daily basis, head straight to the kitchen where mom was cooking dinner and greet her with a kiss on the cheek, put his arms around her, giving me this mischevious wink, stating that he loves "my mommy". Mom of course would feign annoyance, nudge him away, telling him to go wash up. Such a simple gesture that dad displayed, but one that will be imprinted in my mind for the rest of my life. I'm sure that dad isn't the most perfect husband, but he sure does love my mom and makes sure that she knows she is loved.
"Joy, I cannot believe that you're sixteen and l'm teaching you how to drive. You're growing up too fast....." This said while stopped at a stop light on the corner of 148th St. and 96th Ave., sitting in a big, cherry red, four door Volvo, with a big sign on the rear window that said, "STUDENT DRIVER". I think it was one of those moments where dad came to this realization that I wasn't a kid anymore, but this soon-to-be adult who has started to do adult things...like learning how to drive. I'm surprised that I didn't give him a heart attack during those initial days of teaching me how to drive. In fact, I don't even remember him stressing out or yelling at me for making a stupid driving mistake once. Only by the grace of God.
Around my junior year of college I was in a fairly serious dating relationship with this guy. One afternoon, as dad and I were driving along King George Highway, out of the blue, dad made this statement which nearly knocked me out of my seat. "So you know, I really like N. In fact, I really wouldn't mind it at all if you guys got married." My reaction? What the hell??? First of all, this coming from a man who was adamant about his daughter finishing her college education before she could even think about living her "life". And second of all, "What the hell???"
When I lived in South Dakota, I flew home for Christmas with a surpise gift for my parents. She was a beautiful yellow Labrador Retriever named Dakota. Dad fell in love with her. And of course, she was his baby. Two years ago, Dakota became quite ill and dad had to make the difficult decision to put her down. It was probably one of dad's most traumatizing experiences. He was right there, next to Dakota when the vet put our family dog down. Dad cried like a baby. After that experience, dad shared that he doesn't think he'll ever get another dog. Losing Dakota was too painful. I really do hope that he decides to get another dog one of these days.
About two months ago I had a discussion with dad about applying for this particular visa which would allow for immigrant status here in the USA, thus allowing me to stay out here on a more permanent basis. His response when I asked him what I should do? "What's your heart telling you?" He knows what my heart is telling me and I know that this knowledge is also a difficult one for him. I think there are times when he still sees me as a little girl, wanting to keep me closer to home where he can protect me.
My dad isn't perfect and of course there are many things about him that frustrate me. But the thing is, inspite of the frustration and misunderstandings, I still love him and feel secure in his love for me. And the wonderful thing is, we have no qualms in verbally stating "I love you's" to each other.
I stated this before and I'll state it again, I love my dad, and hope that one day I will meet and eventually marry someone who comes even close to having the godly character, integrity, and strength that my father has.
SHEESH
Why are men so clueless??? Seriously. Is there some way to fully understand the workings of the male species' inner mind? I mean, they all can't be THAT dumb!
SHE-frickin-ESH!
SHE-frickin-ESH!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Oh Happy Weekend
My cousin, shall we call her "Cousin Shi Shi"? is in town from LA. Actually she flew into NYC yesterday and will be Greyhounding it down here to Camden/Philly either this evening or tomorrow morning. We shall have the usual cousin bonding time this weekend. She wants to satiate her voyeuristic tendencies and drive out to Lancaster to ogle the Amish. Maybe check out Intercourse, Blue Ball, or Paradise. (I kid you not people, these are actual places.) I'm only humoring this silly notion of hers because I want to check out the outlet shops and gear up on some summer togs. Banana Republic here I come!
ColumbiaGirl and TherapyBoy are also in town from NYC attending a friend's 30th birthday party and so I'll get the chance to hang out with them sometime this weekend. Yippppeee!!!
It's a beautiful Saturday out here in the east coast - the warm sun is out, with a slight breeze. Oh happy day!
Have a wonderful weekend y'all!
ColumbiaGirl and TherapyBoy are also in town from NYC attending a friend's 30th birthday party and so I'll get the chance to hang out with them sometime this weekend. Yippppeee!!!
It's a beautiful Saturday out here in the east coast - the warm sun is out, with a slight breeze. Oh happy day!
Have a wonderful weekend y'all!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Another Rilke.....
Lately I've become quite the Rainer Maria Rilke junkie. Probably due to the fact that I am currently reading, actually more like slowly savouring, his very slender book, "Letters To A Young Poet". One of Spin_Doc1's posts, titled The Dream, brought to mind this particular quote:
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to
love the questions themselves. Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it,
living along some distant day into the answer." --Rainer Maria Rilke
There is so much truth in this particular quote penned by Rilke. Over the last few years I've had to face some painful, unanswered questions, which brought me towards a downward spiral into the depths of darkness, and almost to the point of nothingness. However, as time went by and as the healing process began, I learned to live, to just be, and to embrace these unanswered questions. And the most provocative thing was, I did eventually discover some of the answers to my questions. Not all of the answers, but some. Just like Rilke said I would.
love the questions themselves. Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it,
living along some distant day into the answer." --Rainer Maria Rilke
There is so much truth in this particular quote penned by Rilke. Over the last few years I've had to face some painful, unanswered questions, which brought me towards a downward spiral into the depths of darkness, and almost to the point of nothingness. However, as time went by and as the healing process began, I learned to live, to just be, and to embrace these unanswered questions. And the most provocative thing was, I did eventually discover some of the answers to my questions. Not all of the answers, but some. Just like Rilke said I would.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
The Chase
An old friend of mine, CaliSurferDude, was always one of those guys I'd run to whenever I needed advice from a male's perspective. He dated one of my closest friends out here for a long time until they broke up last year. CSD always showed his protective streak when I embarked into a new relatonship or was thinking of exploring things with a potential boy. When things didn't work out, CSD was always there with his sage advice and listening ear. One of the things that he always stressed was how guys thrive on the chase and the challenge of pursuing a woman. But I wonder, do they enjoy it when they catch you, as much as when they are pursuing you? Or does the relationship fizzle after the initial excitement? Does it always have to be some game? I have been pursued, but no one's really bothered to stick around. I must be relationship retarded or something.
Such a shame.
Such a shame.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Query
Why is it that you hurt the people that you love the most?
And why is it that you are hurt by the people who are supposed to love you the most?
I spent most of this evening bawling my eyes out and I seriously feel like I'm drowning.
I'm a fatalistic mood right now. Don't ask.
And why is it that you are hurt by the people who are supposed to love you the most?
I spent most of this evening bawling my eyes out and I seriously feel like I'm drowning.
I'm a fatalistic mood right now. Don't ask.
Friday, June 9, 2006
Chi-girl and Co.
An old friend who hails from Chicago is in town and a group us met up with her at Don Pablo's this evening for dinner. We'll call my friend Chi-girl. Anyways, Chi-girl and I go way back as summer interns at UrbanPromise, where our friendship began and grew over the years. We can go for months, 1 or even 2 years without any type of contact, but when we get together, we just pick up where we left off. That's what I love about the uniqueness of our friendship. My two roommates, Irishgirl and Iowagirl, along with our other friend, Larissa, all have a connection with Chi-girl, resulting from their intern work at UrbaPromise. However, what makes our connection to Chi-girl so unique is the fact that we met and bonded with Chi-girl at different times during our stint with UrbanPromise. And then, for some reason, Divine Intervention had it so that all of our worlds somehow collided together. Tonight was one of those nights where we all went back into time, bringing up forgotten memories of a time when life seemed so carefree, less jaded, and where optimism overrode today's cynicism. We chatted incessantly, we savored our food, and we drank our margaritas. But most importantly, we laughed.
UrbanPromise, the tie that bound us together.
UrbanPromise, the tie that bound us together.
Tuesday, June 6, 2006
Proposal
So I got my very first marriage proposal, albeit in quite the unconventional way. In one of my previous posts, Road Trip and Back, it was revealed that I am not an American citizen (GASP!), but am a proud citizen of Canada. (For those of you who don't know where Canada is, it's that huge expanse of land which lies north of the USA). Anyways, Bougie Black Boy apparently discovered this new found fact about me and ever so graciously presented me with his proposal; although it was done quite differently from what I would have imagined a propsal to be. (More on that later.) Marrying Bougie would mean living in NYC (one of my favorite cities) with a bona-fide Green card, to a widely acclaimed best-selling author, country bumpkin turned urban dweller. Plus, I get to bear his "love child." Bonus! (And btw Bougie, I think we'd make beautiful babies.) :D
Not bad. Not bad at all.
What do you ALL think? Should I accept? Or should I graciously turn him down? ;)
Not bad. Not bad at all.
What do you ALL think? Should I accept? Or should I graciously turn him down? ;)
Sunday, June 4, 2006
Sunday Poetry
Love Song -
Rainer Maria Rilke
How can I keep my soul in me,
so that it doesn't touch your soul?
How can I raise it high enough, past you, to other things?
I would like to shelter it, among remote
lost objects, in some dark and silent place
that doesn't resonate when your depths resound.
Yet everything that touches us, me and you,
takes us together like a violin's bow,
which draws one voice out of two separate strings.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what musician holds us in his hand?
Oh sweetest song.
Rainer Maria Rilke
How can I keep my soul in me,
so that it doesn't touch your soul?
How can I raise it high enough, past you, to other things?
I would like to shelter it, among remote
lost objects, in some dark and silent place
that doesn't resonate when your depths resound.
Yet everything that touches us, me and you,
takes us together like a violin's bow,
which draws one voice out of two separate strings.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what musician holds us in his hand?
Oh sweetest song.
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